Saturday, February 9, 2013

10 Things To Do In Bon Temps Before The World Ends-Courtesy of the Vault



1. Head to Bon Temps’ premiere bar and eatery, Merlotte’s. As proprietor Sam Merlotte has pointed out, a lot of people get murdered there, so it’s a good thing for him that the town doesn’t have too many bar options. You can sample Merlotte’s old style Southern cooking, courtesy of head chef Lafayette, and sous chef Terry Bellefleur. While you’re enjoying your cheeseburger with AIDS, why not have a beer with Hoyt’s road crew? And the flat screen TVs make this bar a great place to watch rolling news coverage of the coming apocalypse.

2. Go and hang out at resident Vampire King William Compton’s classy antebellum mansion. Please note: you might want to give him a spongebath if he’s in Billith mode. If you’re a gamer, then how about playing some Wii and X-Box 360 with him and Jessica (he favours Wii Golf, while she does a mean Cherry Bomb on Rock Band). Or if you ask nicely, King Bill might show you his jazz piano. And when the end of the world does come, he’s got a handy nuclear bunker beneath his home that you could hide out in.

3. Head over to Lafayette’s place. The end of the world is nigh, so now is the perfect time to try a V trip for the first time. Or if the ultimate psychedelic experience is not your bag, you could just smoke a bong and try on some of his frocks.

4. If you’re on the guestlist (i.e. not a vampire), you could find yourself in secret fairy strip joint Hot Wings. A lapdance from a fairy is one you’ll never forget! If they take a shine to you, you could find yourself in the fairy realm, which will prove handy should a planet collide with the Earth.

5. Check out one of the barbeques that the local werewolf pack holds. While there you can eat some meat (don’t worry, they only eat their dead relatives raw), play fetch with adorable werewolf cub Emma, and hopefully see some young alpha wolves wrestling. If you get drunk, Alcide will be happy to carry you home.


6. It’s been a while since Bon Temps had its last Maenad orgy, and surely one to celebrate the apocalypse will be the party to end all parties. There will be epic fruit, endless pot, and if you’re really lucky, the glorious sight of a tree made out of rotting meat. A word of warning though: make sure everyone’s left their black contact lenses at home this time.

7. Take a short drive to neighbouring town Shreveport, home to the South’s number one Vampire nightclub, Fangtasia. There’s industrial metal on the jukebox, poledancers, and plenty of opportunities to lose your fangbanging cherry. While here, if you’re easy on the eye, proprietor and local vampire sheriff Eric Northman might take a shine to you and let you sit on his knee on his throne. Hell, maybe he’ll let you swing his Viking sword too.

8. Hook up with Eric’s sardonic vampire lieutenant Pam. Raid her closet (it did Tara no end of favours), have a TruBlood cocktail, and bitch about Sookie’s precious fairy vagina. She might even let you check out her fluffy pink coffin.

9. Be sure to visit the Bon Temps cemetery, a historical burial ground dating back to before the Civil War. It’s also an excellent location in which to indulge in some very muddy graveyard sex.

10. When the hijinx get out of hand, get yourself arrested by Bon Temps’ finest. You’re bound to enjoy getting handcuffed by Jason in his cop uniform. If you aren’t too much of a troublemaker, he might do some handstand push-ups to keep you entertained while you’re in your cell.

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